Friday, February 18, 2005

Have I lost it?

Can't write.
Feeling bad every day before I have to go to work.
All I have is the music that I hear everyday, my books, too.
Passive entertainment?
I only see my girlfriend on weekends, and even then I have to work some of the days.
I've been so close to calling my boss and telling him I can't come today because I've had enough.
I! I! I!
Is this spot on the web for me?
Why are you reading this?

Thursday, February 03, 2005


Thinking i'm alone.
thinking i've always been, always will be.
maybe it's all just an illusion?
how can i know that everybody, are not just hallucinations of mine?
and if that is the deal,
have i really hallucinated all those amazing things?
have i hallucinated all the classic music in the world? Pink Floyd? Camel?
have i hallucinated alcohol, and weed?
have i hullucinated love?
for that i deserve immortality.

have i hallucinated War, The Holocaust, Hate, Hunger, Mediocrity, Computers, Britney Spears?
for that i deserve the die.

and if i hallucinated all that, is there any point in anything for me?

so please,
can someone prove me wrong?
(all you "internet-suicide-stoppers" back off. i have too much to live for to hear your whines.)

Tuesday, February 01, 2005


I had a dream the other night.
the problem with dreams is that you remember them when you wake up, but it's hard to keep them as vivid as they were.
allow me to be poetic and write that they are like a drawings on a chalk board - the wrong movement and you'll erase it all but the strong lines and some random parts.
the dream was about my girl. in the dream i did something she interpeted as me not giving her enough attention, resolting in her running away from me.
i started to run where she went, yelling her name.
the place looked like a mall, and i ran in circles, exiting to the streets, and back to the mall.
wherever i ran it was crowded.
occasionally i saw friends of mine, walking quietly. i asked them for help, and they ignored me.
i especially remember a female friend of mine, who walked in front of me, and as i passed by her, thinking whether to talk to her or not, her face said that there is no reason to.
then i saw another friend coming out of the restrooms. i tried to walk inside, but my friends stopped me. when i knocked them to the ground and went inside she was there, crying.
and this is the point i woke up.

when i told this to my girl on the phone, she didn't respond much, and when i told her tears washed my eyes when i told her the dream, she said she cried too, and was thinking whether to tell me or not.
this is the kind of thing which so clearly tells me how much she loves me.
twisted mind of mine...?