The Fool's Page

Went away again...

2005-09-21T12:06:00.000+03:00

Well, it's been a long time since my lst post.
It's time to update:
Kind of stopped working as a medic in field trips,
And started giving a push on my work at the Dunk Pub,
I went to Sinai with a good friend from the army, who moved
to germany a few months ago to settle down,
And now i'm working on a new appartment in Kiriat Ata,
It's an old house, which no one lived in for the last ten years,
so my friend and I are giving it a completly new paint job,
and more (there was a huge crack in the bath, from which you could
see the outside),
But the cool thing about the appartment is that it's free for us to live in for the next year.
That was the short version of my life in the last couple of months.
Next time i hope will be soon, and may even be interesting.

Nicholas D. Wolfwood

2005-08-06T22:50:00.000+03:00

Is one of the main characters in the superb anime series "Trigun".
He is an ace gunman, a priest, and carries a large gun disguised as a cross.

He uses revenge as a way of life, until he meets the main character of the series, Vash The Stampede, and understands, a moment before the end, why he was wrong all his life.
Watch the series, and understand why I find him the most interesting character in it.

Drunk

2005-07-30T12:22:00.000+03:00

Translation of something I wrote down last night in a pub:
When you close you eyes
The demons come running at you
Back and forth, forth and back
They run, attack, around you
You close your eyes for a moment
And the moment seems like eternity
You open your eyes
And everything's gone
Just like a bad dream
Just like a bad dream

Going on another trip

2005-07-27T13:01:00.000+03:00

Going on another too many days trip,
some much to write,
no will to.

so i won't for the time being.

Suck it in

2005-07-09T02:11:00.000+03:00

Spent the evening waiting to watch a movie (Constantine) with my girl,
Then my brother and a friend were supposed to come watch it with us.
I wanted to smoke some hash, but didn't, because my girl is in the army and didn't want to.
The friend went to sleep,
My brother stayed at the party he was at,
And some other friends we didn't want to watch the movie with came.
Eventually, my girl went to sleep, and i'm here writing this.

Did not watch any movie, did not use any kind of drug, did not listen to any music.
A bad friday, it is.

Balagan

2005-06-27T10:09:00.000+03:00

Please visit Balagan to understand why...

Late Night Blues

2005-06-24T02:55:00.000+03:00

Blues is based on "Blue Notes".
Every third, fifth, or seventh note is lowered by half a tone.
This lowered note is called a "Blue Note".
This is what makes us feel that certain down blues has.
It's not an exact explanation, but it is enough.
Just had a talk with a friend of my brother's, he's a good guy,
He's in the same place I was at the navy, but on a different ship.
Seems he got some of my notes blue.
It threw me back to that time, to the total feeling of depression.
Depression in it's older form, when you are being depressed by others.
I'm not depressed at the moment, but I have that blue feeling.
black in the lungs, your whole stomach is going around like a washing machine,
wet clothes inside whirling and shifting your balance all the time.

Mood for disaster. I'd bet that if it'd be daylight the skies would've been grayish red.

Why does it has to be that way?

2005-06-10T20:56:00.000+03:00

Initiated a conversation with my girl today.
Told her about the things that are bothering me.
Developed in to a fight.
I just want to be happy, and I feel that all that time I wanted her, and she didn't want me, I never asked for anything, because all I wanted was her.
now, that we're together for some time, I start telling her about things that I don't like,
and it seems to me like she can't handle my criticism.
I hate fighting with her, especially since she's in the army, and we don't get to see each other much anyway, but sometimes I simply say "the hell with it" to myself and decide that I have to resolve the issue.
it always becomes so dramatic, and sometimes, like now, I don't know what to do with myself.

Pairs

2005-06-09T21:25:00.000+03:00

And my latest discoveries:
- Started posting in pairs,
- Stopped using spel chek.
- Found out that teachers in Israel are corrupt people,
always getting stuff for themselves, doing things they
don't allow their pupils.
- Girls walk slower that boys, and will often complain and
scream when interacting with thorns and rocks.
- Boys can't stand that you do something they don't
understand and often comment about it, and ask
stupid questions.
- People like to buy stuff for the sake of buying,
and sometimes even if they don't really want it.
- Tour guides are arrogant people.

Music Fantastic!

2005-06-09T21:15:00.000+03:00

So much music affecting me lately.
bought a few CD's, copied a few mp3's from my brother, and more.
I know this is kind of boring, but this blog is for me and me alone.
Here is my playlist for the last couple of weeks.

King Crimson, Lizard - When you're feeling dark and gloomy.
King Crimson, Red - On the road, dark crazy distorted.
Gentle Giant, Aquiring the Taste - Cool evening jazzy rock.
Frank Zappa, Bongo Fury and One Size Fits All - When you're crazy.
Yes, Fragile - When you're harmonic and in touch with everything.
Pink Floyd, Meddle - Is there anything in the world that makes you feel cooler than it?
Beatles - Any given goddamn time.

Is there no good music made these days?

2005-06-02T20:37:00.000+03:00

A Drawing i made sitting by the western wall of the ancient temple in Jerusalem. Don't care much for religion. The funny thing is that I didn't finish it there for the first time, and by chance came back two days later and finished it.

(maybe) Here Again

2005-06-02T19:44:00.000+03:00

I'm not sure what made me stop posting.
I love it, and it is a kind of a therapy for me.
when I came back from my "miluyim" I knew that everything has to change.
I knew that I cannot carry on working five days a week in a pub that distorts my life.
I had a week full of doing absolutely nothing which helped me understand that doing nothing is the most horrible state a man could be in.
my family drove me crazy with housework, and after a confrontation I started doing everything, and even enjoyed it.
I found an amazing job.
going on trips and meeting good people, eating and sleeping in hotels, while getting (not too much) money for it.
I think this cleared my mind. When I'm hiking I don't think about anything, and (for the good and bad) I am not alone for a second. I can choose how much I want to interfere, and no matter what choice I make it is ok.
I got some new music. Good progressive rock is what I need.
only thing is that I'm not at home much.
even if I come back to bloggin' hard, it wouldn't be as frequent as before.
and still, feel strapped.

Lost myself

2005-06-02T19:37:00.000+03:00

First thing: thank you Adrian for awaking me from my slumber.
I have been lost for a while, working on changing my lifestyle, and many things.
a quick explanation of the things that happened to me:
I left Haifa because of miluyim.
miluyim was postponed to a month later.
did not come back to Haifa.
suspended my job at the pub.
started working as a medic and security guy escorting school and foreign expeditions.
went on a seven days expedition with some Australians.
went on a few more trips.
second miluyim was cancelled too.
went on some more trips.
worked in the pub a day or two for that whole time.
will add another post to explain.

Miluyim

2005-04-13T14:06:00.000+03:00

Is the word for ex-soldiers in Israel being called for service for a maximum of 21 days a year.
You can be summoned only after a year since you finished your service.
I've been called to service after one year and four days.
The army sure doesn't waste any time, which is a shame, since it wastes almost everything else. I have nine qualification points as a weapons control operator, seven qualification points as a medic, and still, I will be doing that time as an ordinary infantry soldier with my two lousy qualification points for that.
anyway, I will be going there on the 19 of April, which means I won't be able to post for some time.

A Stranger at Home

2005-04-11T12:46:00.000+03:00

Came back to the dunk pub after 3 days of not working.
I felt strange.
I felt like a stranger in my own home.
a pub is very dynamic, especially in the weekends, so many small insignificant things have changed, that only someone who knows the pub really good can notice.
being the foreman of the dunk, the place has many nuances of my personality.
it's organized the way I like it, plays my music, serves the drinks I support.
but in three short days, it can all change.
took me a few hours of moving stuff and yelling at my boss to get it bogeyman'ed again.
but still, is the pub's memory so short?

Happy Birthday

2005-04-11T12:35:00.000+03:00

To me.
Turned 23 last Friday. Funny how every time I simply can't remember how old I am.
my girlfriend's mom asked me how old I am, and I just blacked out.
no matter. Had an amazing birthday,
got really cool gifts and I haven't worked for three days.
we went to a Brazilian meat restaurant on Friday, that for some reason had a DJ playing Latin music.
he was the only thing that was not perfect on my birthday.
in fact, he was annoying.
just because you have a microphone, and you are bored, are you subject to talk without pause and interrupt people who are trying to enjoy their meal?
why are you playing that music, if your blabbing doesn't let me hear it?
anyway, it didn't ruin anything like it looks.
the evening was great...
proportion is good. (a new thing in my personality)

Infinite Cat Project

2005-04-06T16:22:00.000+03:00

I Usually won't link to other websites, But this too bizarre and cool
not to.
A Cat looking at a monitor. In the monitor there is a picture of another cat watching a third cat on his own monitor. So stupid. So pointless. So GOOD!
Hurrah to Mike Stanfill for his boredom and great idea.
there are currently pictures of 856 (!) cats looking at eachother.
http://www.infinitecat.com/infinite/cat1.html

Five Years

2005-04-01T11:46:00.000+03:00

Today is the estimated 5 year anniversary to my girl and me meeting.
I thought we estimated it as the fourth of April, so the it won't be in April fool's day.
come to think of it,
this is supposed to be my day, being the fool, and having been born in April.
no matter, waking up by a beautiful girl, thinking about all we've been through,
5 years are almost a quarter of my life.
makes me feel good.

Some kind of a techincal error

2005-04-01T11:44:00.000+03:00

Resolted in me not posting for a couple of days.
I'm back, now.

Jump into the fire

2005-03-26T15:45:00.000+02:00

Dealing with fears:
A man is afraid of spiders.
What will he do to overcome this fear of his?
Walk in to a whole cavern. this will help him in the future.
A woman is afraid of heights.
She will jump out of an airplane.
Someone hates alcohol.
He will have a shot of the nastiest drink in the pub.
A boy and a girl are afraid of eachother.
They will leap in bed and have sex.
Is that what random sex is?

A new hope

2005-03-25T11:26:00.000+02:00

One of the neighbours thinks she saw my Mamush, my cat.
Could she still be amongst the living?
Last night I smoked a cigarette before I went to sleep,
Thinking that it may be time to persume her dead.
Is it any good to give us that hope that she's still alive?
I really miss that cat, but no decadent cat like that one can survive in the outdoors for eight days.

Cray-Z

2005-03-24T15:58:00.000+02:00

Drove all the way to the Galilee last night after work,
Only to take an aquarium with two pond-turtules to my house.
Picking a large glass aquarium with two turtles some rocks and water at 5:00am is no fun at all.

Mamush, the eternal princess of clumsiness

2005-03-23T12:37:00.000+02:00

In "Leil Haseder" 2004. Please come back...

Overhearing a friend

2005-03-23T12:22:00.000+02:00

A good friend visited me in the pub last night.
this certain friend is the one who got me starting blogging.
after we talked for a while (interrupted by other customers all the time)
some friends of his came, and they moved to another table.
for reasons that are hidden within the depths of my personality
I could not join the conversation, but I had a real good time overhearing it.
I don't even know why I enjoyed it so, but as all the other customers left,
I poured myself some Tullamore Dew whiskey, smoked and listened for a long while.
it's been two double whiskeys until I freed myself from it.
Yep. Being passive is really good sometimes.

A dead cat.

2005-03-23T12:10:00.000+02:00

A dead cat lying on the road welcomed my presence last night when I came home.
it was white and gray, and had some blood splattered by it.
I drove a colleague home, so I had to drive by it 3 times.
in time many cars will run it over, and it will blend into the road,
leaving only some remains of fur as it's tombstone.
a part of someone's life, rotting on the road.
a cat that was being fed by someone,
that was thrown to the floor when it climbed on the table.
my cat's gone too.
a dog chased her to the woods almost a week ago.
my whole family looked for her until yesterday, when they decided to quit it.
It was too much for my younger brother.
I'm tempted to write how great she is, but I'm not sure if she's still "is".
it will be a couple of days until I can write a lament.

Police

2005-03-14T14:28:00.000+02:00

Last night, at 3:00 am, when I was finally done cleaning the pub, and I was driving back to my apartment I saw a kid walking around, waving at me. I thought he needed help, so I stopped by, and he told me he needs a lift to the nearest taxi station.
I picked him up, only to be pulled over by a police car 20 seconds later.
the officer, dressed like a civilian started to look through my stuff,
asking me the same stupid questions over and over again.
I told him that I don't have anything illegal on me, and warned about the pack of "Drum Halfzware Shag" - handrolling tobacco.
Four types of rolling papers (Drum, Purehemp, Smoking kingsize and Smoking medium) alerted him and my knife (Columbia River Knives & Tools) even more.
after turning my bag inside out, and my car upside down, the officer radioed to the station and got permission to search my apartment. We rode there, leaving the kid in the nearest taxi station.
They didn't find anything illegal, but my knife. It seems that in a wonderful country like Israel it is illegal to carry a small pocket knife, but a handgun is alright. If I was in the woods, carrying a backpack, it was okay, he said.

Me, I don't mind the intrusion into my life at 3:30 am. I don't mind being treated as guilty until proven otherwise. I mind the fact that two 24yo police officers can enter anyone's home and sanctuary in the middle of the night, just because he had some rolling papers, and a good excuse to it.

I summed it up the next morning, that to avoid this kind of misunderstanding in the future, all I have to do is to change my car (looks suspicious) my job and working times, my hemp handbag, my clothes (look bohemian, in my grandfather's opinion), shave, stop rolling tobacco, and lose the knife.

Yep. All I have to do to stop being persecuted, is change myself completely.
but with a smile.

Closing Time

2005-03-09T17:05:00.000+02:00

...And when you finally turn off the lights,
And squeakily shut the door and gates,
When you helplessly plummet into your car's driver seat,
When you arrive home, lie on your bed, and stare at the ceiling,
You simply want to stuff a large chunk of lead into the beak of
every single goddamn bloody songbird which is standing under
your window reminding you how deviant your lifestyle is.

Hate going to bed in 5:30 am.

Head Computer

2005-03-02T14:10:00.000+02:00

If I only had a computer in my head to let me post all the time from wherever I am,
I would have been a healthier man.
problem is that until I come home all my insights have been washed away by tiredness and boredom.
more changes for me.
enrolled to the university, I'm to start my philosophy studies in October.
maybe after a year in the university I'll understand what I want to do with my life.
I think I'm happier now. This must be the reason I haven't blogged for a long time.
the most productive times of my life were when I was down.
songs, short stories, drawings, all along the dying of my soul,
whether I was in the army, or depressed for any other stupid reason.
it's a known fact that depressed people are the most creative ones.
There's more art that was thrived during frustration, than art made with happiness.

Is the human race so messed up that it only spreads it's own sadness?

Have I lost it?

2005-02-18T11:28:00.000+02:00

Can't write.
Feeling bad every day before I have to go to work.
All I have is the music that I hear everyday, my books, too.
Passive entertainment?
I only see my girlfriend on weekends, and even then I have to work some of the days.
I've been so close to calling my boss and telling him I can't come today because I've had enough.
I! I! I!
Is this spot on the web for me?
Why are you reading this?

Alone

2005-02-03T07:56:00.000+02:00

Thinking i'm alone.
thinking i've always been, always will be.
maybe it's all just an illusion?
how can i know that everybody, are not just hallucinations of mine?
and if that is the deal,
have i really hallucinated all those amazing things?
have i hallucinated all the classic music in the world? Pink Floyd? Camel?
have i hallucinated alcohol, and weed?
have i hullucinated love?
for that i deserve immortality.

have i hallucinated War, The Holocaust, Hate, Hunger, Mediocrity, Computers, Britney Spears?
for that i deserve the die.

and if i hallucinated all that, is there any point in anything for me?

so please,
can someone prove me wrong?
(all you "internet-suicide-stoppers" back off. i have too much to live for to hear your whines.)

Dreaming...

2005-02-01T15:37:00.000+02:00

I had a dream the other night.
the problem with dreams is that you remember them when you wake up, but it's hard to keep them as vivid as they were.
allow me to be poetic and write that they are like a drawings on a chalk board - the wrong movement and you'll erase it all but the strong lines and some random parts.
the dream was about my girl. in the dream i did something she interpeted as me not giving her enough attention, resolting in her running away from me.
i started to run where she went, yelling her name.
the place looked like a mall, and i ran in circles, exiting to the streets, and back to the mall.
wherever i ran it was crowded.
occasionally i saw friends of mine, walking quietly. i asked them for help, and they ignored me.
i especially remember a female friend of mine, who walked in front of me, and as i passed by her, thinking whether to talk to her or not, her face said that there is no reason to.
then i saw another friend coming out of the restrooms. i tried to walk inside, but my friends stopped me. when i knocked them to the ground and went inside she was there, crying.
and this is the point i woke up.

when i told this to my girl on the phone, she didn't respond much, and when i told her tears washed my eyes when i told her the dream, she said she cried too, and was thinking whether to tell me or not.
this is the kind of thing which so clearly tells me how much she loves me.
twisted mind of mine...?

Terms in the Israeli mind

2005-01-23T15:46:00.000+02:00

Most of the Israeli society were in the army. we do it when we're 18.
they take 3 years of our life when we're young.
this creates a word bank, a type of slang only people from the IDF can understand.
one of these terms is "Rosh Katan", translated as a "small mind" it's similar to be narrow-minded, but has more meanings.
when someone is "Rosh Katan", it means that he won't do anything unless told to.
it means that he won't care for anything unless it hurts him.
i was a Rosh Katan today.
having working in my boss' coffee house, and having not wanting to do so, i have ignored two calls from my boss today, which were probably made to ask me to come early to work today.
i hate it because i like everything that involves the pub, and i want to do everything as good as i can.
damit, i'm doing this work just for fun until i start my university studying.
i'd hate to become bitter.

Change?

2005-01-21T15:15:00.000+02:00

Maybe it's time for me to change?

I've been static for a while.
it's strange, but yesterday i had a sudden urge to leave the Dunk Pub, and Haifa,
and go back to the north, to my parent's house.
find a lame job, like most people my age do, and go on with it until i start studying.
it would definetly be worth it in money terms, but what about my soul?
and leaving my new appartment a month after i moved in...
what would you do? (not really looking for an answer.)
What about new music?
Prog rock is not enough, since it fits only the great mood.
you can't love prog rock unless you have a specific view on life.
you have to be charmed by life.
damnit. why can't i be happy?

A man is appreciated...

2005-01-05T13:00:00.000+02:00

A friend told me yesterday (in hebrew):
Adam nishpat lefi Kiso, Koso, Vekaaso.

translation:
A man is appreciated by his pocket, his glass, and his anger (rhymes in hebrew).
It means that you can see what person he is by how he acts when:
He has to pay (Kiso).
He's drunk (Koso).
He's angry (Kaaso).

Makes you think about the human race... doesn't it?

Am I ill?

2005-01-05T00:57:00.000+02:00

Psychology is such a grey area.
A customer/friend asked me a question yesterday. After some remarks I made on people I know who have mania-depression he asked me how I would diagnose myself.
I haven't thought about it for a long time. During two years of my three years army service I've been completely down. I couldn't take care of it because I was so down I didn't even have the mental power to move myself to a better place.
I thought it was over, and I'm pretty sure it is, but will it ever be back?
I've been "catching" myself thinking bad thoughts from now and then.
is it in me to be depressed?
I told him I once diagnosed myself as having a border-line identity.
when I explained the symptoms he said we were in the same boat.
Comfort? Maybe.
I often find that looking for people with the same problems as you have is not much different from gloating.

2005-01-02T19:55:00.000+02:00

Me Bartending in The Dunk, Picture from a pub magazine.

Asia

2004-12-29T14:09:00.000+02:00

I got an email this morning from my grandfather.
he's a great man, and apart from that, even though he is pretty old, he learned the fine (not) art of using the computer. amazingly, he uses this devil's device even more than i do, sending emails, managing his timetable, and taking pictures using his digital camera.
he sent me a powerpoint presentation he got from someone, explaining the quake on s.e. asia.
the presentation started with the drawing of a cute bear, which is supposed to be trademark of the guy who made the presentation. then there were diagrams of the quake, with sidenotes.
then there were pictures of people who lost their homes, with cute powerpoint transitions.
magicly, ten seconds before i started the PPS file, i put Pink Floyd's Atom Heart Mother on the stereo. suitable.
the insensitivity got me so angry, i just had to do something.
what better thing to do then to yell into the cyberspace, where almost nobody can hear you?

Her

2004-12-23T19:47:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I feel, that i'm better off without her.
It is strange, because I waited for her so long, i prayed in the nights, that she would understand that we're meant to be together.
Sometimes she makes me feel so low, she makes me think that everything is my fault. I always thought that i'd go through hell for her.
and I did. I do.
But the fools phylosophy understands that there is no heaven without a hell,
and this is what makes it worth everything,
because when i'm with her, I can see heaven nearer than anytime before.

I just don't want to remember the pain and misery I went through before we were together.
True love is the one you can experience even in hell.

Fits The Fool.

Cut from the umbilical cord...

2004-12-22T13:45:00.000+02:00

Just moved in to a new appartment from my parents house, you could say that it's my first time to move out, but that won't be true since I spent three years on a ship (including one week on a deserted ship that sank the day i left it, but that's another story). I have been cut form the cord. no more internet ('till now), no more free food, no more anyone cleaning the house but me. feels good though, to be able to breath on my own, and do my own stupid mistakes (which I do).

I moved to my Boss's appartment, he went on a six months trip, and I only have one question: Why does it have to be so goddamn dirty? Why, when i come to a new house, do I have to clean it as if it was never cleaned before?

argh. why am i sitting by the computer when i should go clean something horribly dirty?

A day at home

2004-12-18T15:11:00.000+02:00

Haven't been to work today, got yesterday off too.
it's great to stay home, enjoy the tranquillity of life with no obligations.
although, i think one more day, and i would drive myself crazy.
why isn't it possible for me to do nothing? why am i feeling as if i am wasting my time?
I can never be satisfied. when i'm working i need more time for myself, when i'm at home i drive myself crazy. love the winter but miss the summer.
only one thing is constant, and will never change for me, and as kitschy as it may sound (read?!) it is love.

The human animal

2004-12-17T17:07:00.000+02:00

As a bartender, your purpose is to serve people.
every night, when i'm done cleaning the pub, I take a brief look at the floor,
and count the number of olive kernels costumers dropped.
i then think to myself, that everybody did their jobs tonight. i served everybody their drinks,
and i cleaned the pub, and made food, and took care for everything,
and the people who are in charge of dropping the kernels, did theirs.
i then take all the rubbish from the floor, throw it in the can,
and go home knowing that everything is alright.
people are animals.